I have no idea what I was dreaming about the night before last. The dream could have been about anything but there is one part I remember about the dream. I wouldn’t smoke.

Whatever the hell was going on there, at some point the situation came up where I could have smoked. I could have cheated in my dream and smoked to my heart’s content, or lungs’ discontent, whatever, but I didn’t.

In my dreams, boys and girls, I can’t even cheat! Do you know what a piss off that is? I can’t even cheat in my dreams! All the times I’ve felt like I wanted a smoke, said to myself, ‘fuck this non-smoking crap, I should go buy a pack’ – and didn’t, you’d think that at least I’d let myself enjoy a cigarette while sleeping, while in ‘unreality’, but no. Not me. I’m devoted. I’m dedicated. I’m committed.

It just pissed me off to wake up and realize that I couldn’t fulfill my dream in my dreams, since that’s all I’ve got right now. That’s the only place I could have a smoke. I make me puke.

It’s terrible to realize it’s only Thursday when it feels like a Friday. I feel like partying. I feel like having some beer and listening to music and doing other stuff while I’m singing along.

My snookey almost had me talked into some beer. He has some in the fridge. I don’t drink that kind – too heavy, too many calories, carb-laden. But when he was talking about having a beer, I certainly did think, “ya, why don’t you run out to the beer store and get me some!”

I’m still pondering that notion even though I’ve lost 3 pounds already on this diet and he’s lost 6. Let me tell you, 3 or 6 pounds are only noticeable on someone who weighs 50 pounds – not on me or him.

Should I have some beer? Should I not? Yes, I should. No, you’ve already put almost a week into this diet. But The Donald is on tonight. Beer would go good. You’re not gonna get skinny drinking beer.

Acchhhhhh. I gotta stop thinking about this. Let me have a sip of water.

Ok, not my usual “ha ha” if you know what I mean, and I think you do. This is a “ha, ha, I’m having a beer”.

All my ranting and raving last night made me say to myself, “hey, I can have a fucking beer if I want one”, and so I bought some. Ok, my honey bought some. But he bought some for me and I’m having it.

It doesn’t taste as bad as the last time I tried a beer on this diet. I’m kinda liking it. That and a pack of smokes would be the perfect night for me… no sex involved. See! That’s where we’re different. You’d probably want to get laid in that perfect night too, but not me. I like the simple things. Expensive but simple.

I’m just gonna go out right now and watch the voting on American Idol. Two people are getting the boot tonight and I must find out who. Bon Jovi was the guest last night and so tonight he’ll be performing. I always hated Bon Jovi. As a matter of fact, he’s one of the few people who, if one of his songs comes on the radio, I will always change the station.

I don’t know why. I just can’t stand the sound of his voice – or his songs. Something special about him.

So I’m off. Then I must get my beauty sleep. Boy am I in sad need of that.

I’m just sitting around thinking, I want a beer. I want a cigarette. I want to go to McDonald’s.

I’m so fucking sick of the no smoking, no drinking, no whatever food we want. Not to mention falling asleep around 10:00 every night. WTF is that?

This is life? What the hell do I want to live my life like this for? Where’s the enjoyment? Where’s having a few beers and playing some pool while smoking cigarette after cigarette? I liked that life. That life was fun.

What am I doing now? Cooking up the stuff for diet dinner, diet lunch, diet snacks, and then going to watch some TV. Then doing the one-eyed shuffle in front of the TV and so going to bed early. Really. WTF kind of life is that?

I would like McDonald’s. Seriously. Even though I’ve never been a huge McDonald’s fan, I wouldn’t mind a Big Mac right now and some little salty, skinny fries. I’ve been on this diet for 6 or 7 weeks, I forget which, and I’ve only lost 10 pounds. Big woo. My clothes are not tight on me now. Large deal. For all this deprivation of the ‘fun’ stuff, I could have at least lost 20 pounds where it would feel worth my while.

Ok, I’m ranting, so what? Give me my vices. I want my vices. I like them. They were enjoyable. I like to smoke. I like to drink beer, not stinking red wine, and I like to have the occasional frivolous, unhealthy stinking fast food.

That’s all.

Last night we went to pick up a filing cabinet that a girl from work was giving us for free. Perfect since my little cabinet is mostly full of my stuff and I was giving the bottom drawer to my honey, but that’s not nearly enough space for him.

Unfortunately, I thought she had said it was a lateral cabinet, but it’s not. It’s just a really really deep single cabinet, but that should give him lots of room to put all his files in.

That thing was heavy, let me tell ya. It’s an old, old metal kind – made to last forever, not like the shit you buy these days (like mine which tips over if you pull the top drawer out completely). We had to take out the drawers in order to lift it into the car.

It was so stinking cold last night I kept running into the apartment lobby to warm up while my honey and the woman’s boyfriend kept working on getting the cabinet into the trunk. I cannot believe that I was that cold wearing a fur coat. I should have had on two in order to get the chill out of me. Then when I got home I snuggled up on the couch with a quilt over myself only to get boiling hot about 5 minutes later. WTF is that about? Oh, I guess we know what’s coming with that one.

So today I’m feeling in a little pissy mood. I think that’s mostly because I want a fucking cigarette. Here we are into our fifth week and all I could think about today was having a smoke. Even while I was at work, where I’m used to not smoking, I was thinking about having a smoke.

And I had the kinda mood today that said, “fuck it. I want a cigarette. I’m going to go buy some. Fuck quitting. I want to smoke”. The thing is, I didn’t buy any (not that I still don’t want to) but I did ask my honey to go out and get me another box of patches. I was all out for tomorrow and that’ll be the start of my 2nd week of step 2. I at least have to have those if I can’t have a stinking cigarette.

So that’s the non-excitement going on around my house. I sit here thinking of all the times I just wasted a cigarette away… lit one up and just rested it in the ashtray only to have it burn away and I’d have to light another one. What a waste. If only I had all those wasted cigarettes right now.

Oh what am I saying. Right now I could live without one. No, I’d like one. Ok, I’m off and on. I don’t really need one at the moment. But in a minute or two I’ll probably feel like one again.

Ok, I’m not harping on the smoking shit. Cuz I’m a non-smoker. Actually, I guess I’m a smoker trapped in a non-smoker’s body right now. This crap should end.

I’m in my third week of quitting smoking – I can hardly believe it myself. It’s been a very long time since I quit for that long.

I did get a cold last Thursday or Friday and took all kinds of cold medicines on the weekend, but starting yesterday it seems that my lungs have started to break up. I thought at first it was from the cold and now I think it’s just part of the quitting smoking process.

And the cold? I’m thinking it wasn’t just a cold. I’m thinking that it was the usual sickness/cold that I get when I quit smoking while not using the patch. Perhaps the patch only delayed it a bit, and after all, I wasn’t sick as a dog, just a bit of a cold.

So anyway, I guess I’m truly on my way to non-smokerdom since my lungs are horking up everything they can find. Today there was a bagel in there – don’t ask me how that got there and not in my stomach. I’m kidding (really?), I’m just trying to gross you out.

I talked to a friend of mine the other day who advised me on the lung clearing process. “Don’t swallow it, spit it out, even if it’s gross”, he said. Quite frankly, the conversation was gross to me, never mind the thought of spitting or swallowing. I had to put an end to that one before I start puking in the middle of it (in between horks, of course).

Remember that Mr. Ed show? A hork is a hork, of course, of course. Ok, I’m retarded. But at least I’m a retarded non-smoker.

And on another note… ha ha. You know. First time since I quit – pretty damned pathetic isn’t it?

Tonight I’m off to watch American Idol. And I’ve gotta start having more than jalapeno nuts for dinner. Like maybe start having a dinner for dinner. Ok, maybe tomorrow. Right now I’m going to go get some jalapeno nuts – they’re very good with beer.

When you’re alone and life is making you lonely
You can always go – downtown
When you’ve got worries, all the noise and the hurry
Seems to help, I know – downtown
Just listen to the music of the traffic in the city
Linger on the sidewalk where the neon signs are pretty
How can you lose?

The lights are much brighter there
You can forget all your troubles, forget all your cares
So go downtown, things’ll be great when you’re
Downtown – no finer place, for sure
Downtown – everything’s waiting for you

This is one of the pictures I took last night when we went downtown to the housewarming party. I had a great time and got to take some spectacular night shots. Too bad these pictures were with my old Kodak camera. I didn’t bring my new camera cuz I didn’t want anyone stepping on it, or spilling beer on it, or knocking into it.

I also didn’t remember to bring a tripod with me, but someone was nice enough to lend me his tripod (you’ll have to keep in mind that almost all at this party were photographers – and I mean ‘real’ photographers, not like me who doesn’t have a clue).

I’ve gotta get invited back there to get some shots with my new camera and my own tripod. I like my tripod better even though it’s one of those mini ones that expands and is not as heavy as the other guy’s tripod. Mine has an arm to manoeuver the shot – his just had a bolt that you had to tighten and loosen all the time to switch positions.

Anyway, I had fun. It was nice to see a few people I knew (not many, mostly strangers there) and meet some new folks – who of course were almost all younger than me. Who wouldn’t be younger than me? Only dirt is older, let me tell ya.

I drank 3 or 4 beers, we only brought a six-pack and someone drank one of them and my honey had two so I tried two of the host’s beer. Oook, that Steam Whistle beer, fuck that is one horrible after-tasting beer. I’d be happy never to try that one again. I tried one other kind that I’d never heard of and can’t remember the name of. It was at least better than Steam Whistle.

We wore our new Zazzle t-shirts, regardless of the quality. I wasn’t paying all that money to get what I wanted and then send them back. But that leads me to more interesting news.

I got an email from Ken, at Zazzle, telling me that if I wasn’t satisfied with the product that Zazzle happily accepts returns. I told him that I had already ripped my shirt – and I had when I was pulling that too-tight shirt on I ripped the bottom of the seam a bit, but he told me that I could return it anyway if I wasn’t happy with it.

You know, that sounds like good customer service. If I hadn’t had to wear the t-shirt last night (the whole stinking reason I made the shirts was for the party), I would have returned the shirts on Monday. However, they won’t be returned now. I’ll sew the rips in the one I wore, and by the time I wash it, it will probably shrink, and if we’re lucky it may fit my daughter then. We’ll see. Otherwise I guess I’ll be throwing the stinking thing out.

I’m going to try Cafe Press. I had ordered stuff from there before and was quite happy with their service (mugs and plain t-shirts), I just can’t remember if they also have that extra (exorbitant) customs charge for ordering.

Lyndon, I did check out Threadless, but it looks like it’s a competition and you can just have one product up there for which you’re competing with others to buy. I’m not really into that kinda thing, I just want to create products and sell them and maybe wear them and give them to friends or family, and I want a bunch to choose from, so now I’ll try Cafe Press.

If none of this stuff works out, I know a guy who has a dollar store downtown who will make custom t-shirts and they’re certainly not $40/shirt – all I have to do is give him the graphics, just like all these online stores. Christ knows I could create a script or put a shopping cart on my own damned site and sell my own stuff since I do know a supplier, so WTF am I doing paying over $80 for stinking t-shirts when I could do this crap on my own?

Anyway, enough yathering. A cigarette would go nicely right now but I’m having a beer instead… same hand to mouth action almost (except for that inhaling and exhaling part). We have been so good and I’m proud of both of us for making it to this, our one week anniversary of quitting *woohoo*. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t love one right now though.

Not that I’m gonna talk about quitting smoking for the rest of my life, but Day Three was not too bad today.

For one thing, I didn’t start stuffing things in my mouth as soon as I walked in the front door after work. I didn’t feel starved and I wasn’t dying for a smoke. Instead, I went to the bedroom, got my work clothes off and got ready the things I will wear tomorrow.

After a while I had dinner, and I still wasn’t dying for a smoke, even though my honey was, and kept talking about wanting a cigarette. He doesn’t have the patch on like I do, so I’m hoping that by the time I finish with all these patches I won’t have some sort of nicotine withdrawal like the stinking psychological withdrawal I’m going through now.

There were really only two points today where I felt like I was dying for one. One point was where I went to the washroom and for some reason was thinking, ‘I like to smoke. I don’t feel like giving up smoking. Why shouldn’t I smoke if I damned well feel like it’.

The other point was as I was leaving the office, heading for my car – where I used to smoke after I left work there, my body was still gearing up for a smoke… until my mind told my body that I no longer smoked and then I was very disappointed and feeling like I needed one. That passed about halfway home.

So I guess things are getting better. I’m waiting for my cough to subside more than it has, although it has lessened.

And the funny thing that’s been happening is that I’m going to bed really early. Monday night it was 11:00. Last night I was conking out at 10:15 and had to just go to bed. I think that’s great considering I’m the big insomniac. I’d love to conk out early every night and get 8 hours sleep – although I only got about 7-1/2 since I woke up around 5:30 this morning without an alarm clock.

Another funny thing is that I’ve been having really weird dreams. And seemingly, very long dreams. And I can remember these dreams when I wake up. They’re very weird and seem to involve everybody and their dog – people from when I was a kid or a teen or in my twenties even. Very strange the way the mind works.

So enough rambling. Enough about me, how about you? Go ahead and talk to me, it keeps my mind preoccupied from letting cigarette thoughts in.

Day two about the same as day one except that when I wanted a cigarette, I wanted it even more than I did yesterday. But the whole day overall was pretty good – while at work.

It’s funny the mood swings I seem to be having. In between feeling proud of myself and saying to myself, “you don’t smoke. You’re not tied to cigarettes any more. You can do it, no problem. You’re free.” Then I’ll end up with this, “I need a smoke. Maybe I’ll just go get one more pack and we can quit tomorrow. A cigarette would be good right now.” thought pattern.

However, I think I’m doing really well, and so is my honey, although as soon as he walked in the door he said, “I’m starving”. I guess the hunger is taking the place of when he’d normally have a smoke. Ok, I’m gonna stop talking about it right now cuz one of those “we’ll quit tomorrow” feelings is coming over me.

My honey just went out and got some wings so we’ll have that for dinner. We’ve never tried these – they’re from M&Ms, hot & spicy flavour. We tried their Louisiana wings and they were good, so we thought we’d try them all since they’re only $10 for a box which is too much for the two of us so we’ll have some left for the next day’s lunch.

I’ve been doing pretty good on cutting back on the coffee so far. Both yesterday and today I only had one decaf black coffee with sweetener on the way to work, and one decaf Tim’s that my honey brought home with him. I’ve also been drinking water each day which is one of the harder things for me to do. Water. If I wanted water I wouldn’t be going to the beer store now, would I?

Other than that stuff, boring day at the new job. The woman who I’m replacing has been off both afternoons so I’ve been occupying myself with made up jobs instead of gaining knowledge about what she actually does. Hopefully the next three days will include a little more insight.

Gotta go turn the wings over.

Day one of no smoking hasn’t been too bad (except for now when I keep reaching for a smoke). The problem with the habit of automatically reaching for a smoke is that, once you’ve quit, it’s just a constant reminder that you’ve quit because you keep reaching and then being disappointed time after time that there’s no cigarette there.

Day one of the job helped with day one of the no smoking because when I had previously worked at this place I didn’t smoke all day and then I’d grab a pack when work was done. That was a good set-up because no one knew that I was a smoker, I still had the luxury of having a cigarette, and it cut me down to only a pack a day, instead of two.

Now we’re down to 0 (zero). My honey and I stayed up until about 1:00 last night finishing off the smokes so there’d be no temptation. And on all these other times we’ve quit, my honey’s been happy to come home and find out that I decided to buy a pack after all. That kinda gave him permission to smoke too.

Not this time. We got home. We both ended up talking about how the day went without smokes, and then we, of course, ended up talking about how we felt like having a smoke. I can’t remember how the conversation went but I said something like, “ya, you should go out and buy us some cigarettes” – trying to relay how I was feeling at the time, not actually wanting him to go do it. He got very hopeful, you could hear it in his voice… “is that what you want?” (light in his eyes, waiting to jump into the car to do what his honey wanted) since in our household, once one person fucks up the quitting, both say ‘screw it, we’ll start again tomorrow (or the next week)’.

I told him that that was not what I wanted and he didn’t have to pick up any smokes (although I’d love one right now). So he’s gone out to dinner with his son (who doesn’t even know that he smokes – or rather, used to smoke). And I’m left here, bored and wanting a smoke even more.

Instead I’ve gone to get myself a salad. And a handful of jalapeno nuts. And a couple of candies. And some more jalapeno nuts. And finally, a beer so I can do something with my hand and my mouth that will stop this focusing on cigarettes and lack thereof.

We were also supposed to be on day one of the eating properly and going for a walk every night, but that didn’t happen since it was so damned windy tonight. I could hardly get into my car to drive home because the wind kept blowing the door shut. And as far as the healthy eating and losing weight goes, I now figure we can give that a few days before we get gung ho. Maybe we’ll get a little more used to just grabbing something to eat if we need it while going through the kick-the-cigarette habit phase.

Anyway, not to rant on and on about not smoking. I know it’s only been one day now but I’m still pretty proud of the one day. One day for a two-packs-a-day smoker is an accomplishment. That’s 50 cigarettes I’ve gone without.

By tomorrow my sense of smell will already have improved a bit. I’m not overly fond of the improved sense of smell… so many people have really putrid breath that they’re not aware of.

I’m going to see if there’s something on TV that will occupy my mind. And perhaps get a few more jalapeno nuts.

You can imagine my surprise when I got an email today from George Michael. He and I had a falling out last year and so I don’t really talk to him any more.

The fight stemmed from his constant use of ‘marijuana’ and his continued prowling of gay haunts for public sex thrills (which he’s been doing since his teens). However, I don’t think the continual dope smoking is a good example for my daughter, and so I finally said to him, “George, you’d think you might learn… after falling asleep at the wheel – how many times? I don’t want this bad influence around my girl, and I’m going to have to ask you not to come around here any more”.

So we haven’t talked really since he split up with his long-time lover, Kenny Goss (whom he was supposed to marry). Poor Kenny. It’s good that he got out when he did. I couldn’t see that marriage lasting.

When I got the email, my first thought was to just discard it. But then I thought, “maybe there’s something important there, perhaps I’d better check”. The email said:

Mesage from George Michael

Goodday my dear,

In a brief introduction, my name is George Michael. My intention of contacting you is to have a discussion with you regarding an investment that I want to build in your country. Urgently confirm the receipt of this message with your direct telephone number to enable me call you immediately and furnish you with details.

I will be waiting for your reply as you finish reading this message.

Best Regards,

George Michael

What does that sound like to you? That sounds like he’s so ‘hopped up’ on dope that he doesn’t even know who I am. And an investment opportunity? I think this guy is stoned out of his tree, just sending off emails, willy nilly, trying to get some money to pay for his habit.

I’ve had it. For sure I’m never talking to George again.

I’m not gonna write any more since I just got home from our baseball awards, but I wanted to say that Day 3 was the hardest day yet without a smoke. I still don’t know if I’ll end up having one, I’m being strong, but I don’t want to talk about it.

I’ll write more tomorrow when I have some time. Gotta chill now and relax.

Ok, today I quit smoking. I say, “I”, because my honey still has cigarettes left and so he’s smoking. I think he’s planning on quitting because we usually do this together, so perhaps tomorrow, or perhaps he’ll buy another pack tomorrow and quit when he’s damned good and ready.

I’ve been fine all day pretty much. Until now. Right now all I can think about is having a smoke. Even though I’ve got a patch on, my mouth is saying, “mmmm, wouldn’t a cigarette be good right now”.

So I’m not gonna focus on it (like I’m doing this very moment), I’m gonna go play Painkiller Gold – yes I bought the gold version which came with a new level but also with another one of the old games. So I gave my honey my old game and I installed the new one with the Gold, so I’m just going through that now.

Once he gets up to speed on how to play the game, we’re gonna play a multiplayer game against each other – I’ll just have to beat the crap out of him (since I can’t beat the crap out of anybody else).

I almost always have beer. Even if I don’t want beer, there’s beer in the fridge. Is that because I’m a big alkie? Probably. But I’m the good kinda alkie that gets friendly when she drinks, as opposed to my ex husband who would get pretty nasty when drunk. And it didn’t take him much to get drunk since he was so skinny, but he was obnoxious, yappy, stupid and mean.

So yesterday there was no beer left in the fridge and I never thought of it. My honey went out to pick up a french stick (cuz we were roasting some garlic and having spaghetti) and while he was out he called me. He said, “hey! You need some beer?” and I said, *big breath in here* “oh ya, I do”. This was at 5 minutes to 5:00 on a Sunday. Beer stores close at 5:00 on Sunday. Needless to say, there was no beer in the house last night.

And that was too weird. I’m used to having beer if I want it. The fact that I didn’t have any there made me want one. Just like life isn’t it? You always want what you don’t have.

Anyway, I had a very hard time falling asleep, but I finally got to sleep. My honey was having a hard time too – and he doesn’t usually even have any beer.

So both of us are really tired today. A few times I knew I could have had a nap and zonked right out. But I did stop at the beer store on the way home. So now if I feel like drinking a kajillion beers, I can. Ya, that’ll happen. Nothing like drinking too much, staying up too late, and having to get up at 6:00 in the morning.

Funny thing is, I woke up feeling bloated and just got moreso all day. Now I look like I’m 9 months pregnant. Or maybe 7. Could be 5, depending on who’s looking. No beer… bloated. Beer… bloated. What is the world coming to?

I just started thinking about what people are like when they drink. And I suppose that since I don’t usually get drunk when I drink, I’m pretty much the same as I always am. My honey tends to talk more – he’s very prolific when he’s drunk (as opposed to the ex who got nasty).

What are you like when you’re drinking? Are you the type who never shuts up? The “I love you, man” type? Puke on your shoes type? Everyone is so different. I could sit and ponder this for hours upon hours, while I have a beer.

BTW, there’s this little game I found called Squares.

It’s a little addictive. The game looks like it’s gonna be simple, and the idea is. How you play it may be a little more difficult.

I’m gonna go play Doom 3 now since I’ve reinstalled it on my computer.

NOTE: 6068 squares is the highest I can get up to in the squares game.

All the medicine hasn’t done a helluva lot for me except get my head spacey. I’ve been coughing like crazy with this cold and waking myself up coughing, cuz I have to kinda sit up to cough, otherwise it pulls on my back.

So today I decided that the cigarettes were probably not helping this damn cold, so I stopped smoking.

I know, it’s only 3:30 or so but I’m fairly proud of myself for going this long. After all, my honey’s got half a pack sitting in the kitchen that I could have smoked at any time.

Plus I’m not broke. It would be easier to quit when you have no money and then say, “shit I don’t have a dime, I can’t afford to smoke any more”.

Well, I can’t afford it, $18/day, and I can’t go on a job starting Monday sounding like this, so I’ve quit.

Yes, I’ve got a three-week job starting Monday. I’ll have to go do the test run on Sunday cuz I don’t know where the hell it is. More highway driving though (only without a smoke to calm me).

Because I’m such a valued customer at the beer store, when I went to buy beer today, they gave me this blue rose.

Nah, I’m kidding. They were just giving out these painted roses to all the women who came in. Even though I probably keep them in business with the amount of beer I buy.

Well, the money’s running out fast, so I suspect that today’s beer may be one of the last cases of beer that I’ll be buying for a while.

I think I’m down to my last $400. And I probaby won’t even be able to get it all out of the bank machine cuz they’ll want some stinking bank charge or something.

And cigarettes? Monday’s the Q-day.

Luckily, I bought one of these for me, and one for my snookey (quite some time ago when we last planned to quit). This will see me through. This and the patch.

Let’s hope I can handle not going nuts without a smoke since I’ll be sitting at home, bored silly.

Oh, and you probably can’t see it in this picture, but there’s a warning on that package that says, “do not light the smokeless cigarette”. Phew, good thing they told me – I wouldn’t want to be inhaling that burning plastic.

For my pleasure, it’s got real “tobacco” flavour. I guess that means that you can have putrid smoker’s breath without actually having to smoke.

And for my health concerns? It states that it’s “tar free” and “nicotine free”. Luckily, I’ve got the patch for that.

Ok, boys and girls, in 15 minutes I’ll be heading off to start my new employment.

It’s like a furnace here, I’m looking forward to getting into my car and blasting the air conditioning. Let’s hope those offices are cool.

P.S. I don’t have to stop at Tim’s first, there’s a Tim’s right over by the new job *woohoo*.

So today was my employment insurance day, where I was supposed to spend the day from 8:45 to 3:00 at the employment office (you know, the people who give you money, but not me).

I went for the requisite video of what my requirements were in order to collect unemployment, pardon me, employment insurance, and stayed for a bit of the talk. But it was just ridiculous, and I don’t qualify any way, so what the hell was I wasting my day for?

My snookey had a meeting with his lawyer today, so he was home around 2:00-ish and then we went to do some grocery shopping.

We’re having company tomorrow night. Emmett and his girlfriend are coming for dinner, and luckily I spoke to him today because apparently she doesn’t eat beef, and I was planning on grilling up some filet mignons (wrapped in bacon, of course) for the dinner.

Instead, since she eats chicken, I’m gonna try this brand new recipe I found. So, good or bad, we’ll all love it or hate it together.

That will be nice. After dinner we’ll play some games, or at least ‘a’ game, and perhaps just get hammered.

Have I told you how much beer I’ve been drinking during this unemployment? Lots. I weighed myself this morning and I was 4 pounds heavier. I gotta stop this. I know the weight thing can change daily, but let me tell ya, I had no problem believing in the 4 pounds.

Tonight our internet was down for about 4 hours. Apparently there was some hydro spike in Ontario (the whole fucking province?!?) and I just got connected now.

I can’t tell you how much I dislike playing games when I have to play them. I might be able to sit here for hours and play a game if I didn’t have to. So I’m taking advantage of being connected again and blogging while I can.

We’re gonna go out and see if there’s a movie on the movie network, mostly because I’m sick of playing games for 4 hours. I’ll even pay for the VOD if there’s nothing decent on. Wait a minute, didn’t I just buy The Bourne Supremacy the other day? Perhaps we’ll watch that again. There’s always the Matrix 1, 2 or 3, and, of course, my favourite, Pulp Fiction – I haven’t seen that for a long time.

Let’s hope the cable’s not spiked out too.

Ciao dahlings. I have games not to play.

I’m thinking that I’ve got to die before my snookie. If he dies before me (even though he’s 10 years older than me), I will not be able to accept it.

I’m thinking that this *quote* tennis elbow *unquote* shit that the doctor says I have, is actually linked to some rare blood disease that will cause me to die before he does.

Cuz let me tell you, boys and girls, I have to die before he does. There is no frickin (and I say frickin in place of ‘fucking’, as if you didn’t know) way that he can die before me. I don’t know if I could go on without him.

I don’t say that because I’m in a bad spot right now, Ms. Unemployed, Ms. Not Feeling the Most Confident. I just do NOT want to live if he is not here with me.

Is that romantic? Is that a fucking chick flick or what?

If he dies before me I’ll be going over to Jane & Finch to find me a gun. While it sounds amusing, I am a little scared of the prospect of going over to Jane & Finch looking for a gun. Not the best area.

I have also asked my honey to kill me if I’m in a sad state before that. So, hopefully, he will have gotten the gun before I have to go there.

However, I cannot live without this man. And he better not die before me (even though he’s older). I had better come up with something that makes me die.

Not to be morbid or anything. It just has to be this way.

You’ll be wondering how come I didn’t do it already with that stinking cough, but today was the day I quit smoking yet again. After having such a tough time trying to smoke on the weekend, I promised myself that I was gonna do it again on Monday, after all my cigarettes were gone.

Well they weren’t quite gone last night – I still had half a pack left, but I had made that commitment and so I stuck to it this morning.

It wasn’t too bad today, except for one point where I almost went and bought a pack. Luckily Emmett and I were out at an event together. If he hadn’t been there, I would have bought a pack. As it was, even with him there, I almost bought a pack even though I knew he would have been disappointed.

He quit smoking about 3 months ago and has been waiting for me to do it again. I, of course, kept putting it off. So when I told him this morning that I’d done it, he was very proud and supportive of me. Even though he said nothing during my coughing fits with this cold – he never said, “hey, that cold is so bad why don’t you stop smoking?”. He didn’t say a thing. He’s such a sweetheart (even though he probably thought it).

So I didn’t break down and buy some and that’s good, since the cold is still going strong and my hernia/pulled muscle is still killing me every time I cough or sneeze. Only one other point where I wanted one and that was while we were cooking dinner (when we usually smoke while cooking). Oh ya, and when I came into the computer room I kinda reached automatically to light one, but there was none there.

I wish my lungs would start breaking up cuz this dry, hacking cough is really tough on them. Maybe a few days without smoke will help that – I can only hope.

So I got all dressed up in a short skirt/long jacket outfit today and wore some heels and got all dolled up, just for the hell of it. After being sick and sick looking all last week, I felt in the mood to be looking good. Not that anybody said I looked good, but at least I did in my own mind.

My honey again picked me up downtown and we stopped for some groceries on the way home. So we made a stir fry for dinner which was pretty lame. At those Weight Watchers meetings they were saying to add some chicken broth for added flavour when cooking. Well that chicken broth did dick. I thought the whole meal was pretty flavourless and now I’ve got the rest of it for lunch tomorrow. It’ll be all soggy too, mmm, mmm, mmm.

Tonight I’m gonna watch American Idol. I think they still have the one night with women and one night with men and then a night of the votes. That plus The Apprentice on Thursdays gives us almost a week of television watching. We’re pretty pathetic over here.

Now I better go and wash my face and brush my teeth. Teeth for sure with the number of Halls Centres I’ve been glomming down all day. I’m a dentist’s mortgage payment, I think.

I’ll still be sleeping on the couch tonight. I look forward to the day where this coughing stops and I can again sleep with my snookie. I asked him last night if he missed sleeping with me and he told me he had no problem sleeping with me there or not there. Mr. Romance. That’s not the way to get laid.